Top 25 Television One Liners Insults

old_televisionBack in February of 2008, Radio Times came up with a list of their 25 favorite tv show one liners.  I know I miss things but this one bears repeating. Also notice that Scrub’s Dr. Cox (John McGinley) made the list at #20. I think he has had better insults but they usually fit in the “rant” column. Enjoy.


1. Basil Fawlty, John Cleese, Fawlty Towers

Sybil: “Don’t shout at me, I’ve had a difficult morning.”

Basil: “Oh dear, what happened? Did you get entangled in the eiderdown again? Not enough cream in your éclair? Hmm? Or did you have to talk to all your friends for so long that you didn’t have time to perm your ears?”

2. Mrs Merton, Caroline Aherne, The Mrs Merton Show

To Debbie McGee: “So, what first attracted you to the millionaire Paul Daniels?”

3. Edmund Blackadder, Rowan Atkinson, Blackadder II

To the unremittingly dim Lord Percy: “The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr Brain has long since departed, hasn’t he, Perce?”

4. Roseanne Conner, Roseanne Barr, Roseanne

To screen husband Dan (John Goodman): “Your idea of romance is popping the can away from my face.”

5. Patsy Stone, Joanna Lumley, Absolutely Fabulous

“One more facelift on this one and she’ll have a beard”

6. Father Jack Hackett, Frank Kelly, Father Ted

“Drink! Feck! Arse! Girls!”

7. Carla Tortelli Lebec, Rhea Perlman, Cheers

Barfly Cliff: “I’m ashamed God made me a man.”

Carla: “I don’t think God’s doing a lot of bragging about it, either.”

8. Jim Royle, Ricky Tomlinson, The Royle Family

His mother-in-law Norma: “Is this hat too far forward?”

Jim: “No. We can still see your face.”

9. Malcolm Tucker, Peter Capaldi, The Thick of It

To a junior minister after his inept, blinking confrontation with Jeremy Paxman on Newsnight: “All these hands all over the place! You were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra! It was like watching John Leslie at work!”

10. Statler and Waldorf, The old men, The Muppet Show

Statler: “Wake up you old fool, you slept through the show.”

Waldorf: “Who’s a fool? You watched it.”

11. Inspector Monkfish, John Actor/Simon Day, The Fast Show

To a recently bereaved woman:

“I realise this must be a very difficult time for you, so put your knickers on and go and make me a cup of tea!”

12. No Offence, Arabella Weir, The Fast Show

To WPC: “I notice you’re not wearing a wedding ring, which given your age means you’re divorced or a lesbian”.

13. Rupert Rigsby, Leonard Rossiter, Rising Damp

To Alan, his lazy student lodger, who complains his room is too cold for him to study in:

“The only thing you study is your navel. You even shave lying down.”

14. Gran, Catherine Tate, The Catherine Tate Show

In hospital, describing to her grandson an encounter with an overweight volunteer:

“She said to me last time, ‘You look bored, Mrs Taylor. I’ve got three words for you: Barbara Taylor Bradford.’ So I said, ‘Yeah? I’ve got three words for you, too: calorie-controlled diet.'”

15. The Professors, Rob Newman and David Baddiel, The Mary Whitehouse Experience

“I have here a copy of your book, Origins of the Crimean War. It smells of poo.”

“That’s because it’s been inside your mum’s bra.”

16. Alf Garnett, Warren Mitchell, Till Death Us Do Part

“You Scouse git!”

17. Alexis Carrington, Joan Collins, Dynasty

“I’m glad to see your father had your teeth fixed – if not your mouth.”

18. JR Ewing, Larry Hagman, Dallas

About his half-brother, Ray Krebbs:

“Ray never was comfortable eating with the family; we do use knives and forks.”

19. Arnold Rimmer, Chris Barrie, Red Dwarf

“Look, we all have something to bring to this discussion. But I think from now on the thing you should bring is silence”

20. Dr Cox, John C McGinley, Scrubs

Dr Elliot Reid: “I don’t think you understand the severity of the situation here. I am dangerously close to giving up men altogether!”

Dr Perry Cox: “Then on behalf of men everywhere – and I do mean everywhere, including the ones in the little mud huts – let me be the first to say thanks and hallelujah!”

21. Dr Gregory House, Hugh Laurie, House

“You can think I’m wrong, but that’s no reason to stop thinking.”

22. Gary Strang, Martin Clunes, Men Behaving Badly

Laddish knockabout as Gary rates flatmate Tony’s chances with upstairs tenant Deborah:

“Let’s face it, Tony, the only way you’re gonna be in there is if you’re both marooned on a desert island and she eats a poisonous berry or a nut which makes her temporarily deaf, dumb, stupid, forgetful and desperate for sex.”

23. Larry David, Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm

“Switzerland is a place where they don’t like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.”

24. Sam Tyler, John Simm, Life on Mars

In an exchange with DCI Gene Hunt:

Gene: “I think you’ve forgotten who you’re talking to.”

Sam: “An overweight, over-the-hill, nicotine-stained, borderline-alcoholic homophobe with a superiority complex and an unhealthy obsession with male bonding?”

Gene: “You make that sound like a bad thing.”

25. Captain Mainwaring, Arthur Lowe, Dad’s Army

“You stupid boy”