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Crazy vs. Hot

Dear Citizens of the internet,

Barney Stinson has given us so much. So many great quotes, thoughts, posters, things to ponder… do you ever feel like you need just a little more Barney? Well, if you haven’t noticed Barney has a blog: Barney’s Blog. Now my main purpose in this is not to promote his very awesome blog is to highlight a very helpful tool that Barney introduces in Episode 5 of Season 3. Now, Citizens of the internet… had I had access to this tool earlier in my life I could have used it to evaluate many of my relationships and saved myself from a lot of confusion, heartache, bodily harm, and exposure to craziness. Yes, I am talking about the crazy/ hot scale. You see according the the scale (and explanation on Barney’s blog) a girl is allowed to be crazy, as long as she is equally hot. This is where the chart comes in… (excerpt from le Blog de Barney Stinson:)

The problem is certain women’s increase in physical attractiveness has been disproportional to their increase in psychosis. Luckily for us, a chart exists where we can see just how out of balance the ratio between your hotness and craziness has become – knowledge that can prove to be invaluable over the course of your daily life.

A little confused? Watch this clip from of Barney explaining the scale on How I Met Your Mother for a better understanding.

Now if you are female then you probably think to yourself…where do I rank on this scale? Well Barney also provides a very informative quiz you can take to determine your “Crazy” rating…

1. You’re walking down the street and see Matt Damon. You:
a: Gawk from afar and let him pass unbothered.
b: Run up to him and beg to have his babies.
c: Stab him with a pen.

2. You’re driving on the freeway and someone cuts you off. You:
a: Take a deep breath, count to ten, and do a random act of kindness.
b: Hold down your horn and scream obscenities.
c: Stab him with his own broken windshield wiper.

3. You see a kitten stuck in a tree. You:
a: Call the fire department and wait for professional help.
b: Climb up and rescue it, then take it home to join the 125 other cats you currently care for.
c: Stab it with a tree branch.

4. You’re on a date with a fellow and it’s not going well. You:
a: Explain to him you’re just not compatible and offer to split the check.
b: Start a small fire in the ladies’ bathroom thus evacuating the restaurant and ending your date.
c: Finish your decadent five-course dinner, then stab him with a lobster claw.

5. Your boss makes a pass at you. You:
a: Report it to human resources.
b: Go for it, then blackmail him for the rest of his natural life.
c: Stab him with his tie.

6. The barista screws up your double skim, half café, no sugar added caramel macchiato. You:
a: Drink whatever she gives you, so as to not create a scene.
b: Throw the scalding hot beverage into the barista’s face.
c: Stab her with a coffee cup.

7. It’s Christmas, a time of giving, charity, and joy. One of the Salvation Army Santa’s won’t stop ringing the bell in front of your apartment. You:
a: Thank him for doing the Lord’s work and give generously.
b: Tar and feather him from your fifth floor balcony.
c: Stab him with his bell, then steal his bucket.

8. Your grandparents are in town visiting. You:
a: Happily show them around town taking extra special care of them.
b: Berate them for the measly 12 bucks they gave you on last year’s birthday.
c: Stab them with their dentures.

9. You find a wallet in the middle of the street. You:
a: Locate the wallet’s owner and return it as found.
b: Steal the person’s identity and live as them.
c: Locate the wallet’s owner and stab them with their license.

10. Your boyfriend proposes. You:
a: Tearfully admit that you’re already married but not opposed to polygamy.
b: You say, “Honestly, we’ve had a lot of great times together but I just don’t see a future between us” thus breaking his heart… then you pick up the pieces of said broken heart, and stab him with it.
c: Say, “Yes, yes, a million times yes!”

To find your “Crazy” rating, give yourself 0 points for every A response, 1 point for every B, and 2 points for every C. Take that total and divide by two. You now have your crazy number.

Now, using your self-assigned hot number, find your position on the Stinson Hot/ Crazy scale. Remember, you want to find yourself located on the hot side, not the crazy side. If the results are not to your liking, please adjust your appearance or personality accordingly. ”

Now ladies, don’t get offended. There is a simple way to apply this to men you may meet as well. Take this blog post from a female citizen of the internet named Katie.
Now no need to worry for me dear citizens. I have been married for quite some time now and no longer need this wisdom. I, thinking only of you and your safety, felt the need to pass this along. And also, for the record (and so my wife who occasionally reads my blog, won’t kill me..would that place her on the cra…nevermind), my wife is above the Mendoza line.